the unspoken

#15: Retrace

Fri, 17 May 2013 22:51:32 -0400

October, 2006.

When she found him, he was laying on his stomach on the garden, writing furiously on a book. He was concentrating so hard that he didn’t realize that she was there until she cleared her throat.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m sorry. About everything, I promised I would never do anything behind your back anymore,” he quickly blurted out.

Their relationship was a little bit strained lately due to the even where she found him secretly meeting up with his ex-girlfriend. She was not mad but she was disappointed in him. She had told him that he was free to see anyone, but not behind her back.

“It doesn’t matter, what are you doing now?”

“I, um, writing things about her,” he said nervously.

“Why are you writing things about her?”

He sighed and sat straight next to her. He took her hand in his before saying, “she was important to me. I’m trying to forget every feeling I had for her completely.”

“By writing things about her? I don’t see why is it called ‘forgetting’.”

“It’s not. It’s called retracing. My brother said that in order to forget someone so quickly and completely we have to be able to retrace every step taken with that person. From the last time we said goodbye until the first time we said hello. By re-feeling the feelings on every event that had happened between me and her for the second time, I would had enough of her. It is not necessarily written, I could have just done it in my head but it could take days. I want to forget her as quick as I can and I can tell that it’s working.”

“How is it working? This retracing thing, did your brother read it somewhere or just invented it himself?”

“I think he read it somewhere, he’s a bookworm. Anyway, it’s working because by reliving the event one by one, I could let go of the relived event and keep doing that until the moment we met and I could finally let go of the memory where we first said ‘hello’.”

She pondered herself for a while before snorting, “it seems… pointless. What’s so hard about forgetting people? If you want to forget, you forget. But, thanks for doing this though.”

“You said that because you never have to forget people and I wish you will never have to,” he smiled.

“Even if I had to, I wouldn’t do this retracing thing. It’s stupid.”

He rolled his eyes and slapped her knee playfully, “thank God that I would never find you retracing memories of me then.”

PPF

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:51:15 -0400

Midnight, humans.

I got lots of things to write lately. My sleeping pattern is a mess and I’m sneezing blood all over. I tried to sleep but it seemed like my brain just would not stop working so I study. I’ve been reading endocrine stuffs all night, it feels like I’ve known them by heart right now.

In between those moments where I tried to fall asleep, I thought of three things. The past, the present, and the future.

The past. I thought about how I used to bully everyone around me and yet, they were still there. I ought to be grateful but I did not. For a reason, my brain told me that I did not deserve them. They should have just leave me with my own echo. I thought about myself in the past. The shadow of what I used to be. A temperament child with no care, no compassion, and no truth.

The present. I thought about where I am now in life. Needless to say that I am walking my own path. Everything in my life up until now is not my choice but in the process of getting through in between choices, I lead my own path. They said they will always be there for me but I know, I walk alone. I always walk alone. Nobody could ever surpassed me just like I could never surpassed anybody. We are walking towards the same way, yes, but we are taking different path.

The future. I thought about the end of me. At the present, I might said that I don’t need anyone, which is partially true. But in the future, I know I won’t make it alone. Sooner or later I will need someone to lean on. It might be anyone, it might be someone I never expected, it might be someone who was there all along, it might be no one. I hope, with all my heart, that it will be no one.

What led me to all those thoughts, I don’t know. Why do I even think of that anyway? Why can’t I stop thinking? What does it takes to make me stop thinking and simply rest? I want to sleep. I want to feel my consciousness float away, I want to feel my conscience drowning in my own head like a chronic alcoholic. I want to go out and run as fast as I can. Run through the city lights that this small town doesn’t even provide. I want to go back to where I belong, where the buildings are 50 times higher than the trees, where the street lights beat the moon, where the pollution invaded the air that our brain slowly become corrupted by it. I want to feel the dirty air of freedom tainting my nostril and taste the infinite synthetic H2O running down my throat.

I close my eyes and my head pounding instantly. This dream is like a floating emptiness. I want to wake up.

Sweden, why are you so beautiful?

Fri, 17 May 2013 08:38:37 -0400

Sweden, why are you so beautiful?

Photo

Fri, 17 May 2013 08:34:19 -0400

#20: E

Fri, 17 May 2013 08:30:24 -0400

December, 2006.

“What are you looking at?” said a voice, pulling her out of her head.

She did not realized she was staring at a boy. A foreigner boy. A foreigner boy that spoke in her native language. She was pretty sure that she was standing in front of her boyfriend’s house and not this foreigner. She was at lost for words.

“Um, nothing,” she said nervously.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m waiting for my friend.”

“My brother?”

“Um, no I don’t think so. He’s, um, from around here. Not from another country,” she immediately felt stupid after saying that.

“I don’t get you. You’re looking for my brother or not?”

“Uh, I don’t know.”

“Piss off, then. You’re ruining my reading mood.”

The boy was rude, she gave the boy that, but she found herself a little bit interested in the boy after she looked at the book the boy was reading.

“Is that Ptolemy’s Gate?”

“Yes. You know this book?”

“Of course, it’s the best series ever written after Harry Potter!”

The boy looked at her for a while and smiled, “you’re fine, want to come in?”

“To your house?”

“You can just stand there if you want to. And I will just sit here comfortable.”

She rolled her eyes at the boy and made a move to sat next to the boy on the bamboo bench. At a closer look, the boy looked handsome but lanky. The boy seemed like an introvert, it surprised her that she was invited to join the boy on the bench.

They speak about the book some more and even exchanging some more titles of interesting stuffs. She found out that the boy loved books, which was obvious. She imagined that the boy would grow up more into the outcast side of the world. You know, the one who got their nose stuck in the book and only came back to the real world when there’s an earthquake. Adding the boy’s (non-existent) communication ability, she was almost sure that the boy had no friend. She almost pitied the boy.

“It’s late, I got to go home,” she said.

“You’re not going to wait for whoever it was that you were looking for?” the boy asked her.

“No, it’s already late, I could meet him later.”

“Oh, okay, see you then,” he said, standing up, opening the gate for her.

“See you, umm, what’s your name?”

“E.”

You were disappointed, I saw it, I felt it. I am disappointed, I see it, I feel it. The look on your...

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:19:34 -0400

You were disappointed, I saw it, I felt it.

I am disappointed, I see it, I feel it.

The look on your face when I told you those things, was enough to make me regret every step I took. Enough to make me regret not doing everything seriously.

For the first time in my life, I am disappointed with myself.

For the first time in my life, I want to be better.

For the first time in my life, I want to be serious.

For the first time in my life, I want to do this whole-heartedly.

I want to make your expression go away. I respect you like I respect no one else. I wish you’d stop looking at me like that. Like I just killed your first-born.

Just see there, I’d make you proud. Maybe not now, but eventually. I want you to look at me proudly. Hell, I want everyone to look at me proudly, not only you. Don’t worry, I’ll make you proud.

you should write a book, your life is like fairies' dust in a bottle

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:59:35 -0400

If I do, would you read it?

May 16th!

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:47:34 -0400

I forgot to tell you all that today is King’s Birthday!

By King, I mean Eric. Friedrich Damian Adriano. I know, what an overrated name. He insisted to be called ‘Eric’ though, cause he thinks that Friedrich sounds kind of like ‘fried rice’, yes, fried rice the food.

He said that May 16th is the day of King Eric (which I know nothing about), hence the reason why he should have been named Fredrick or anything better than Friedrich. And also that’s why I called him ‘King’. When I found out that my name means ‘ruler’ in the most literal meaning, he started calling me Liege. I don’t know where he got all those ideas but I kinda like the nickname. It’s so much better than ‘queen bitch’.

Let me tell you a little bit about Eric. He’s tall, handsome (just like his baby bro), a little bit weird in the head, and a perfect combination of muscle and brain. He’s bright, even brilliant, but too bad he’s lazy. He even dropped himself out (by choice) from one of the most prestigious technology institute in Bandung just so he could join the Luftwaffe.

Have I told you that he is a chauvinist? Well, now you know. His nazi side was often showing every time he got mad which is a lot of times. He got a nasty temper but he’s…nice, in his own way.

Anyway, happy birthday!

Regards,
Liege.

My (wasted) Two Hours

Thu, 16 May 2013 07:28:19 -0400

Evening, humans.

So, I could have gone home at 12.20 today but thanks to my unimate I ended up going home at 14.00. Yup, almost two hours too late. At first, we were about to go to the library so I could finish my download, but we had to go to see Professor Tentilan first because my unimate needed to get a anatomy-related file from him. Se we went to him. I thought copying stuffs would take 15 minutes or less but it turned to be almost two hours!

I waited 15 minutes outside the room until I got tired and excusing myself to sit at the oh-so-comfy chair at the anatomy room. It was so damn long and I had to hear Professor Tentilan’s songs all two hours. Which was mostly an anime soundtrack. Yes, you heard me right, you read me right. Anime soundtrack. At the end of the day he even offered to gave some anime movies that I (secretly) wanted to watch since so long ago.

I think there’s bound to be a second meeting in which I copy all of his anime and in which he just sat there talking happily with my unimate.

Photo

Mon, 13 May 2013 11:01:42 -0400

#41: Lose Some, Get Some

Mon, 13 May 2013 02:20:40 -0400

April, 2008.

“Other than our birthday, do you know what else started on April?” he asked.

She lifted up her head and looked at him before shrugging. He threw a receipt paper on her playfully then frowned. They were sitting on a small café across his school, she offered to pick him up since she skipped school that day.

“What? Don’t blame if I forgot,” she said.

“Well, yeah, happy anniversary, bitch queen,” he sneered.

“Really?” she asked, surprised.

“Really. Never thought we would stay together this long, huh?”

“I guess so. Has it really been two years?” she asked.

“Yup,” he nodded.

She then grinned to him, “we’re awesome.”

“Of course we are,” he laughed.

“How come you never went away from our relationship? Before this, I always thought you love your freedom so much,”

“I gave up freedom, I gained you. I gave up one thing, I gained everything. The math seems pretty simple,” he smiled.

“Everything? You think I am ‘everything’?”

“No, my everything is a year younger than me, short enough to be a 3rd grade student, she loves things and uses people. In case you couldn’t guess, her nickname is ‘queen bitch’. It’s not you, by the way.”

She laughed.

#49: Heaven

Sat, 11 May 2013 12:11:58 -0400

December, 2008.

“Are we lost?” she asked, for the umpteenth time in the last 30 minutes.

“No, we’re not,” he answered, for the umpteenth time in the last 30 minutes.

“Are you sure? It’s almost 18.30, we’re gonna be late,” she said anxiously.

“So what if we’re late, they are going to be so much later than us.”

“Well, if you say so.”

True to his words, when they finally arrived an hour later, the show wasn’t even begin yet. The crowds were already packed, though. They looked around for a spot where they could slipped together and get to the front.

“No chance. It’s packed like a fish!” he had said.

“Well, if we separate, we might make it to the front,” she suggested.

He smiled at her, catching her drift. “The first one to be at the front, wins. In three. Three, two—” he screamed away the ‘three’ as he bolted away.

“You little cheat!” she screamed back at him as she also bolted away trying to find a way to the front.

She thanked God through and through for her ‘fun-sized’ body every time they play their game. After swimming in the middle of armpits and smelly toes, she finally got to the front. She looked around for him for a good 5 minutes before she caught a glimpse of his pale skin and found him looking around for herself about 5 meters from where she stood. Their eyes met and he lifted an eyebrow as if asking her who won. She shrugged at that and that was when the lights went dim and a very familiar voice shouted on the mic. She turned her attention away from him towards the man who was wearing a blue t-shirt on stage.

45 minutes into the show, she could feel herself sweating like a pig and her throat hurt from too much singing and screaming. She looked around for him again, wanting to ask him to slip next to her. Unfortunately, she could not get his attention with all the screaming and singing and a particular girl that she thought standing too close next to him. She frowned and again, diverted her attention to the singing man on stage.

It was almost the end of the show, she had tried every way to get his attention, even as far as asking the stranger next to her to lift her up on that stranger’s shoulder. It attracted the guitarist’s attention instead. She was very disappointed. This show supposed to be the show they watched together. It was their ‘favorite-of-all-time’, after all.

The guitarist started to play the intro of their favorite song, she gave up looking around for him and listened to it. Suddenly, he caught her eyes. They stared at each other for a while. As cliché as it sounded, it felt like they were in a movie with the music as their background sound. She took a moment to appreciate his beauty. His eyes, like the color of a cloud-covered sky, shone as the spotlight passed by him and his thin lips tugged into a soft smile. How someone so perfect like him chose someone so imperfect like her to loved and cherished are beyond her.

Suddenly, his lips moved. “What are you looking for?” he mouthed.

“You.”

“The best part.”

“What?”

“You’re a thief and a witch but I love you to death, you’re stealing my heart and curse under your breath.”

She then caught it, he mouthed the song to her. She smiled despite of herself and just like that she realized that everything about him was worth it. From the start of their dysfunctional relationship down to the moment where they were standing right there. Together but not together.

“Are you curious? Please stay, don’t go, I’ve got you now.”

That moment, she thought everything would be alright. That one way of another, he wouldn’t leave her oceans away. That one way of another, she wouldn’t stop being in love with him. That one way of another, they would always the home of one another. She was never as much as a fool as she had been right then.

Private, Burden, Hatred.

Wed, 08 May 2013 19:57:43 -0400

Morning, humans.

I woke up at 4 AM this morning and instead of going back to sleep like I should have, I went on a morning run instead. A two hours long morning run. Needless to say, I’m very beat up right now.

In the middle of that long run, my brain took the time to analyze my life while my legs worked like a personal unpaid slave. As I looked back to every things that happened lately (which is mostly me staying up all night doing stuffs), I realized that things in my life happened in patterns.

First, I meet new people, I left the people I knew on the line.
Second, they try to get to know me.
Third, (a) if they benefits me, I get to know them, (b) if not, I hold them there until they do.
(continuation of 3.A) I tell them a little about my life, in return they tell me about all their life.
(continuation of 3.B) Back to #1.
Back to #1.

In the end, I always ended up walking away from those people before they know too much about me. People around me thinks that my life is an open-book but the truth is they only see what I let them see, nothing less and nothing more. What they knew is what everyone knew. Even if I had a best friend that is not Adam, Novri, Nilam, or Eric, (in this case, let’s pretend I have one), I would never tell them things that other people wouldn’t know.

Nobody understands me and no, I’m not complaining, it’s fun to be mysterious (in a way). Anyway, nobody understands me and it’s not because I won’t let them but because I can’t let them. I feel like my happy little kingdom I built for myself is not meant for anyone else. Mother said that I’m a very private person, I enjoy my privacy, I embrace my solitude, thus, I respect people who stays out of my business.

That was my mother answer in regards of the pattern I wrote above. Eric said that I do the pattern because I’m afraid to be close to people, he said that I don’t want to be burdened by their problems, humans are a strange nature, they will tell all of their problems to those who don’t care instead of those who are curious, care, or interested, and I’m not a curious person, not even a little bit when it comes to people’s problem, hence the reason why people told me all their problems all the time. That was The King’s theory, not mine.

Adam’s theory, on the other side, was very interesting and simple. He said that I don’t want to be close to people because I hate people in general. “Hell, it took me years until you like me even just a little bit,” he said. Well, I guess that’s the closest answer to the right one. Nicely phrased too. *chuckle*

A picture of baby sissy when she was just, what, 3?

Tue, 07 May 2013 08:52:57 -0400

A picture of baby sissy when she was just, what, 3?

#60: The Bride and The Groom

Tue, 07 May 2013 02:31:25 -0400

December, 2009.

They stood with a plate full of foods on their hands. He was laughing so hard, his face turned red literally, while she was glancing nervously at his plate in case it falls of in between his fit of laughter.

“Man, you’re a champ!” he yelled at the groom.

“I know, right? And when are you gonna take your girlfriend of the market, eh? Soon?” the groom asked.

“Soon, indeed,” he grinned, casting a sideway glance at her.

She rolled her eyes and joined the grinning competition. The bride then came and invited herself into the conversation.

“Did I just hear that the great playboy is going to the great playgirl of the market soon?” the bride asked dramatically.

“Oh, thank God you are still you. I thought after you got married you’d start wearing hijab and selling religions door-to-door,” he snorted.

“And no thanks to God your boyfriend is a major asshole,” the bride said to her.

“Her favorite asshole though,” he chirped in, making the groom laugh.

“Whatever! Come on, let’s leave these immature boys and get some more tasty foods,” the bride said, pulling her arm. She just laughed and followed the bride. They sat in the private sector of the room, which got extra kind of foods.

“I so love getting married. Look at all this food!” the bride exclaimed.

Watch out, your extra fats might ripped the weding gown,” she said.

“I see why you are with him. You are so much alike. Do you plan on marrying him soon?”

“Are you kidding? I’m 15!”

“Honey, I am 18. And I see nothing wrong with your boyfriend, ignoring the fact that he’s a first-class asshole, he’s perfect. Looks, money, brain. I’d kill to marry him if I had never met my husband.”

“Do you hear yourself? You’re praising him, marriage messed with your brain.”

“Can’t blame me. He really is perfect for you. I just hope that none of you will messed it up like you both always did.”

Evening, HUMANS.

Sat, 04 May 2013 08:31:01 -0400

Humans. There’s something extremely wrong with that species. They expected everyone to do what they would not do if the situations were turned. I guess that’s the characteristic of humans. So, was it wrong for me to expect people to do things that I would have done for them if the situations were turned?

Maybe. I’ve been very dissapointed with this race since I can remember. When I was a kid, it was because of how they lie to shut me up. And now, it’s because their selfishness. To be honest, I am a really selfish person but now that I see it, my selfishness was nothing compared to humans in general. I am not, by any means, not trying to understand them but they are just simply so very fucking disgusting.

There were a lot of dramas in my life at Semarang. I think it is because people in small town are less ignorant than people in big city. Sure, having everyone caring towards you are very nice, unless you are a private person, but having everyone wanting to know what happens in your life like it’s their business is definitely a no-no.

Back to the drama (and hail all those cheesiness), the only phrase that fits is “gue gak habis pikir”. Gue gak habis pikir kenapa manusia bisa begitu. A day before they were all nice and then next day they were out to kill you. I never understand why and I won’t pretend to understand why would some people do the things they do. My teacher once said that before you judge people, try putting yourself in their shoes. Well, Sir, I tried! The thing is I would not do what they did if I were them. It was hurtful and highly disrespectful. It made them look like a hypocrite and I would not let myself looking like a hypocrite.

Humans are God’s greatest invention, true. But according to Angels, humans are corrupt, humans are destructive. If agreeing with another race makes me a traitor towards my own race, I wouldn’t mind joining up with Angels.

Jealousy

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:23:19 -0400

Evening, humans.

This morning, when I was walking away from my car to the main building, somebody caught up after me. That person was no other than one of my unimates. I didn’t know that person quite well, we were in the same class last term but since I missed a lot of classes, I didn’t get to know that person.

Let’s just refer the person as ‘it’. I’m not trying to be degrading, it is simply a way to hide that person’s identity.

It was a long walk and because I had not done my shoes properly, I walked slowly. We chatted all the way, though it was mostly me, nodding or cocking a smirk, and it, telling me stuffs I already know. I wasn’t listening to it properly until it said a very interesting statement according to me.

“I’m jealous of you,” it said, “I’m jealous of your life, you’re so careless yet you still got everything done.”

“It wasn’t perfect though,” I had said to it.

“It was still better than most people,” it countered.

I wasn’t in the mood of arguing so I just shrugged and kept walking. The subject was quickly dropped while the words stayed in my mind even now.

“Jealous of your life”.

I can’t help but snort, right now. What is there that is appropriate enough to be the object of other people’s jealousy in my life? Hell, if you asked me, I don’t even have a life. A life is where you do something what you want to do when you want to do it. It was obvious (or maybe not) that I don’t have a life. I always think that there’s more to life than just living but I guess, not many people see things the way I see things.

Then, it clicked. People was never jealous of my life, they were jealous with they way I see life. They were jealous because I can love life the way it is while they have to build another ‘reality’ in life to be able to love it. True, I hate people (with a fiery passion), they said hate makes things worse. Hate is corrupt, hate is bad, hate is unhappiness. But I’d like to think that my hatred towards any other human beings that is not me caused me to built a thivk walls of ignorance around me so I can simply choose not to acknowledge things I don’t want to acknowledge. In short, I see only what I wanna see, I hear what I only wanna hear, I feel what I only wanna feel. And all that equals happiness in the most perfect state.

Also, the fact that I love life more than life itself helps a little.

“Morning, my private 911. I went to Paris last night to get something done for my...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 09:23:06 -0400

“Morning, my private 911.

I went to Paris last night to get something done for my dissertation and while I was at it, I visited our favorite bar near Pont du Neuf, you remember? The spiky haired waiter you adored still work there. He recognized me right away after I ordered soda instead of alcoholic drinks like Octave’s. I swear I can almost hear him sing-king, ‘where’s that crazy girl? You don’t get drunk on red wine and fight no more’.

See? The spiky fella missed you, you better get your ass here fast.

Your private God.”

#66: Distance

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 02:57:30 -0400

June, 2010.

The World Cup: the only thing that seemed to be on the lips of everybody. Here, there, and everywhere. She didn’t exactly follow the development of the matches except for her favorite team. Their favorite team.

“I bet you all my heart they’re going to be in the final match!” he had said to her over the internet.

“Yeah, and I bet you all my life they’re going to be third place!” she said.

“Nah, they’re not gonna be third place, they have that mighty octopus stuffs going on for them. They are going to win this one,” he proudly said.

She just rolled her eyes and laughed. “Are you sure it’s an octopus and not just a squid?”

“A squid, you said?! How condescending!”

She laughed again. “That piece of squid won’t win you the cup, man. You should re-think your words and take back your heart before you actually losing it.”

He laughed and stared at her quietly.

“What? Why are you staring?” she asked.

“You know why I was so damn sure to bet all my heart?”

“No. Oh God, don’t tell me that this is going to be the start of one of your cheesy pick-up lines.

“Actually, not really, but yes, a little bit. A pick-up line is going to be only words.”

“And your pick-up lines is not words?”

“No, I don’t do pick-up lines,” he frowned.

“Okay then, tell me why you were so sure?”

“Because whether if I lose or win, my heart was already yours anyway.”

“Oh God, that was horrible,” she laughed out loud.

He was grinning ear-to-ear and scratching his temple.

“It was true, though. After I got here, I thought it would be hard to be faithful to you but instead I found myself thinking about you every single second. Yesterday, I went to a café across the dorm and I thought about you and your favorite coffee. Few days ago, I met a hobo on the way back, I thought about you and actually imagined what you would said to me regarding that hobo. Before all this, it was so easy to live life, when i was with you, everything was only just a game. Love is a game, life is a game, people are toys. It was a wrong way to think but you made everything right. I guess now I see that your presence made my life easier. I don’t know if it was because you hate life so much that you think that way or if it was because you love life too much that you won’t trouble yourself with life’s problem. In short, I realized how much easier is life when I was with you.”

She was unable to speak for a few minutes and when she could, it was only to muttered a few lame words: “distance make the hearts grow fonder.”

#67: Her Hypothesis

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 20:30:33 -0400

July, 2010.

It was the beginning of school year and just like any other year, she had hardly seen him during that time of year. Back then, it did not matter, now, it mattered. At least back then she knew that he was still there at their city, wandering around somewhere or probably just sitting on his favorite couch, watching sitcom like there was no tomorrow.

Now, she knew she wouldn’t find him anywhere in their city, not even if she had the Search and Rescue team looking around the whole city. Honestly, she did not understand why he had applied to that university if in the end he wanted her to ask him to stay. She had a few good ideas in her mind on why would he do that:

Maybe, he just wanted to see how far she would go to ask him to stay.
Maybe, he just wanted to see how her reaction would be.
Maybe, it really was his dream and it had nothing to do with her.

The last hypothesis made her sighed in sadness but then she knew he loved her, he loved her more than she loved him. She was sure of that, hence the reason why every time he said ‘I love you more’, she could not say ‘I love you more’ like any other normal couple would. It would be a lie and she would be damned if she lied to him.

When he told her that it was fixed he would be studying half the world away, she expected it but she was heartbroken anyway. He didn’t sugarcoat his words, it was straight and to the point. He was always a taciturn man, her man, around everybody else but not around her. So when he was silent like a rock, she knew something was up immediately.

Counting that day, it would have been exactly four months since she had last seen him. She didn’t mind. He was living his own dream and she was living her parents’ dream. She didn’t mind. Letting him go was the hardest thing she had ever done but like always, it had to be done. She didn’t mind.