the unspoken

Förstår du inte att jag älskar dig?

I promised you. I promised myself. I promised God. This is the last time.

You, don’t try to google what that means. I know you know what exactly it means. Right know I feel immensely disgusted by google translate. Life used to be much more interesting when we can talked with each other in a language no one else but us understand. So please, this once, help me out, don’t google that out, I beg you. I beg every single one of you.

One last time, I want to walk down the memory lane. Remember June 2011? Yes, that one time inChâtelet–Les Halles. We were both in a bad mood from the stunt I pulled earlier, when we finally sat on one of the benches waiting for the train, you shook my shoulder so hard that I became so damn dizzy. You screamed at me for being so stupid, reckless, careless, and practically everything that crossed your mind at that moment. Thank God the frenchies around us didn’t understand a thing until you said that, “förstår du inte att jag älskar dig?” and, voila, everybody stared at us. I was sure that I was forever mortified that night but now, the truth of your words ring a bell in my…as cliché as it sounds….heart.

“My head’s to blame for all my heart’s mistake.” -Parachute

I wonder how’s it going to be when it goes down, how’s it going to be when your not around, how’s it going to be when you found out there was nothing between you and me. ‘Cause I don’t care how’s it going to be.

I get what I want. Ear canal infection which caused temporary deafness in one ear.

I get it all, silence, the one thing I craved since I met people. In a crowded place, everything is a whisper to me, I’m not complaining, I like it. You know what it feels like? It’s like being in a place where you own the world. Your own world, your own universe.

I’m in the mood of laughing and do you know what people said about people who laughs with them self? It’s borderline insanity.

The bitter taste of inxilon lingers in my mouth and I asked my self, how’s it going to be when you tasted like inxilon? Nobody would get it, their mind leads them to obscenity right away.

People said, “I don’t like writing things on blog or tumblr or any social networking site, it’s just too public and I don’t really want people to know my personal problems, I’m not an attention whore.”

YOU FUCKING LIAR.

I promised myself not to ever look back but here I am, looking back.

Everyday before now, I would look over my shoulder and you would be there. I would stare at you while you’re mouthing the words “go on”. I would turn my head, walk ahead, and never look back, until another day you grab my shoulder and say “you forgot something”.

You would make silly excuse to keep me from going and I would play along. You would state that you love me and I would tell you that you’re so full of shit. We would laugh while others would stare questioningly. What a twisted relationship we had.

Back to now, I’m looking back. I turn my head and I see your silhouette. I turn my body and I still see you, the only difference is that I don’t see your face. I see your back. I know this time you’re waiting for me to grab your shoulder and say “you forgot something”, but I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it.

After this, everybody will tell me to do what I feel is right. No, not this time. I’m going to do what I think is right. We’re not kids anymore, aren’t we? I need to go. You need to go. You are a hindrance in my life just like I am a burden in your life.

In the end, we will be the one who laughs. We will laugh at everyone who told us to be together and ask them “do you really think that it’s possible to marry yourself?”

A lot of important and unimportant things happened today, like my addiction to Justin Bieber and my physic test which surprisingly I finished without much effort.

By the way, Ardam called few days ago and that was the first time in two months I’ve ever heard his voice. It was calming and soothing, nice and chirpy. Remembering the last few days I’ve had which was so horrible and under lots of pressure, I felt completely relaxed and at ease.

We talked about things in our own life, about how my life had been, about how he really gave up on smoking, about how I decided on a major, about how he stopped being that playboy bunny that I used to know, about how I quit my only source of smartness (PM), about how his university life bored him, and more importantly about how much of a mess we really were without each other.

Apparently I’m the only one he told his deepest secret to and of course, remembering how credulous I am *insert a sarcastic motion here*, he’s the only one I came to whenever I feel…down.

The conclusion is we don’t have to be in love to be together. We’re just two people in need of each other, bound with time and happiness.

SO here’s to a second chance, to love without regret, and living in the here and now. *cheers*

Night, fellow humans!

I just told Adam that I like someone (yes, I’m still not over the fact that I actually like someone and I’m in shocked so please, bear with me) and his response was surprisingly good.

He said something stupid though like “I am no one to you, why did you ask for my permission?” he’s so retarded sometimes and it’s really annoying! How could he not know that he’s like Harry to my Hermione self???

By the way his response was “you are the boss of yourself, but thanks for asking my permission” and that words! He inspires me like nothing else!

So so so I know I’m beaming with excitement and it’s probably annoyed the hell out of you all but I can’t help it!

Regards,
The Beaming Woman

Night, fellow humans,

I know I’ve been absent from curhat-ing on Tumblr despite my instagram posts. Don’t worry I didn’t die and no, the government did not break into my house and find the super secret data in my hard disk. So, I’m alive and well and I have something to tell you all.

Finally I actually like someone that’s not Adam romantically and to me that’s an extreme progress. I did not know I like him until he mentioned it though. I always thought it was stupid to not realizing our own feeling but now I know that it is possible to not recognizing feelings that we are not familiar with.

The big news is this time he’s not another 33 years old cool beardy men, he’s actually just a boy months older than me which is usually not my type at all.

Trust me I wrote longer than this but I accidentally deleted it!! Life suxxxx Xc