the unspoken

Night, humans.

I just read a few of my older posts and I can’t help but realize how awesome I was back then (and I still am) and and and there are lots of stuffs that reminds me why I am the way I am now. I wrote lots of awesome sentences and there are some that still defines me even now, just like this:

Why do I always exceptionally good at something so exceptionally useless?

Click here for full version of that post.

There’s nothing good about being me, it’s just the fact that I have no problem about showing how much I love life that makes my life seemed so wonderful.

And here.

i grew up thinking that grief is the only thing that last forever, it’s only logical that i don’t want to grow a heart.

And here.

Nothing couldn’t be bought by chocolates and yes, my pride is as expensive as a Lindt chocolate bar.

And here.

 I admit smoking disgust me to a whole new level but I also admit, it’s…calming.

And here

Of all the things I can control, he is the one I couldn’t get a hold.

And here is the last. My favorite.

When people saw and read all of the posts above, the most common response I received was, “OMG you should totally write a novel out of your life!”

…

Dude, I know my life is a theatre for any kind of dramas but please, I won’t stoop so low by writing about my own life in a boasting kind of style, pfft—-

*secretly reaching the 6th chapter of the mentioned novel*

It’s been so long since I last posted something here isn’t it?

Truth be told, I was busy (if you count watching a comedy show on a local station every single evening as busy) and lazy, of course. The state university entrance exam (or SNMPTN) ends like one and a half month ago and the result was publicly announced about a week ago. As some of you might know (or might not know) I’m going to continue my study in the medical field, as requested by the mighty wish of my one and only, mother and father.

Another truth be told, I’ve never really wanted to be a doctor. It is a cool job, sure, they get away with killing people by saying “we’ve done all we can”, how cool is that? Well, beside that, I get to have an easy life cause you know after graduated from university, people will be busy looking for jobs and while they’re bathing in sweats, I would be having a steady well paid job already, a doctor.

My friend said that she’s jealous of my life, I always get everything I want, one way or another. I told her not to. My life is too easy, it’s like playing Guitar Hero in beginner mode, you don’t have to fret, just strum, strum, and strum. It gets boring very quickly. Sometimes life got real boring, and by boring I mean it in the way that you can’t take it anymore and all you want to do is slit your throat before you die out of boredom, but then I would be bored as hell waiting for the end of the world (kiamat peeps) in my grave alone…

You know when people said ‘the chase is better than the catch’? It’s true. With life as easy as this, I never got to taste ‘the chase’, I’ve never have to work really hard to achieve something. I know you think that I am being ungrateful but trust me, I’m not. I love life more than I love everything existed in this world and that’s why I am the way I am, arrogant, ignorant, sarcastic plain awesome.

The third truth be told, this post wasn’t meant to be another post curhat-ing about my university life (which going to start in another one and a half month), this was meant to tell people about how I’ve been lately. But clearly, nobody cares *insert sarcastic laugh and an eye roll*

Alright I’m officially babbling now and am going to stop right about no—w.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well and now you’re gone and they’re wasted on me.

I don’t quite understand how to identify the feelings I’m currently feeling. There’s so much of it, some I know, some I don’t. I noticed, anger and disappointment are one of them.

You weren’t so eager on giving up on me for the past seventeen years, why start now? Just so you know, I want it. I want it so badly.

I’ve never really think much about my future simply because I believe my future is six feet under the ground but then you told me that between my kind of future, there’s also another future. The ones with a possibility to make me happy. I listened to you and started to think about it, the future.

I designed it, as perfect and as possible as it could be. I showed you it, you agreed. So why do you stop agreeing? Did you say yes at the beginning just to shut me up? You don’t think it’s complicated to not give up on me, yet you think it is complicated to say ‘NO’ to me. I’m not afraid of rejection. If you want to reject me, say it from the very fucking start.

Right now, I’m slowly losing faith on the future. The ones, you said, with a possibility to make me happy. I don’t know which one is worse, the fact that I hang my future on a false hope or the fact that the one who put me in such predicament was you. 

Förstår du inte att jag älskar dig?

I promised you. I promised myself. I promised God. This is the last time.

You, don’t try to google what that means. I know you know what exactly it means. Right know I feel immensely disgusted by google translate. Life used to be much more interesting when we can talked with each other in a language no one else but us understand. So please, this once, help me out, don’t google that out, I beg you. I beg every single one of you.

One last time, I want to walk down the memory lane. Remember June 2011? Yes, that one time inChâtelet–Les Halles. We were both in a bad mood from the stunt I pulled earlier, when we finally sat on one of the benches waiting for the train, you shook my shoulder so hard that I became so damn dizzy. You screamed at me for being so stupid, reckless, careless, and practically everything that crossed your mind at that moment. Thank God the frenchies around us didn’t understand a thing until you said that, “förstår du inte att jag älskar dig?” and, voila, everybody stared at us. I was sure that I was forever mortified that night but now, the truth of your words ring a bell in my…as cliché as it sounds….heart.

“My head’s to blame for all my heart’s mistake.” -Parachute

I wonder how’s it going to be when it goes down, how’s it going to be when your not around, how’s it going to be when you found out there was nothing between you and me. ‘Cause I don’t care how’s it going to be.

I get what I want. Ear canal infection which caused temporary deafness in one ear.

I get it all, silence, the one thing I craved since I met people. In a crowded place, everything is a whisper to me, I’m not complaining, I like it. You know what it feels like? It’s like being in a place where you own the world. Your own world, your own universe.

I’m in the mood of laughing and do you know what people said about people who laughs with them self? It’s borderline insanity.

The bitter taste of inxilon lingers in my mouth and I asked my self, how’s it going to be when you tasted like inxilon? Nobody would get it, their mind leads them to obscenity right away.

People said, “I don’t like writing things on blog or tumblr or any social networking site, it’s just too public and I don’t really want people to know my personal problems, I’m not an attention whore.”

YOU FUCKING LIAR.

I promised myself not to ever look back but here I am, looking back.

Everyday before now, I would look over my shoulder and you would be there. I would stare at you while you’re mouthing the words “go on”. I would turn my head, walk ahead, and never look back, until another day you grab my shoulder and say “you forgot something”.

You would make silly excuse to keep me from going and I would play along. You would state that you love me and I would tell you that you’re so full of shit. We would laugh while others would stare questioningly. What a twisted relationship we had.

Back to now, I’m looking back. I turn my head and I see your silhouette. I turn my body and I still see you, the only difference is that I don’t see your face. I see your back. I know this time you’re waiting for me to grab your shoulder and say “you forgot something”, but I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it.

After this, everybody will tell me to do what I feel is right. No, not this time. I’m going to do what I think is right. We’re not kids anymore, aren’t we? I need to go. You need to go. You are a hindrance in my life just like I am a burden in your life.

In the end, we will be the one who laughs. We will laugh at everyone who told us to be together and ask them “do you really think that it’s possible to marry yourself?”

It was always you, blocking me from the outside world as if I’m an expensive fragile china doll.

It was always you, blocking yourself from my touch as if I’m a deadly contagious virus with no cure.

It was always you, blocking everyone else from getting closer to me as if you’re afraid to lose a prized possession.

What am I to you? A child, a girl, a woman, a pet, a thing, a possession?

Say, do you hear what I hear?
Say, do you know what I know?
Say, do you see what I see?

From behind these bars you built around me, I hear people screaming at me for being so careless while in fact, you wiped away my ability to care.

From behind these walls you built around me, I know things I’m not supposed to know and it pains me to know that.

From behind these glass windows you built around me, I see you.

If only you know that the equivalent of you is evil. At the same time, angel. You saved me from the big bad world, you saved me from inanity, you saved me from nasty surrounding. Too bad, you can’t save me from myself.