the unspoken

Förstår du inte att jag älskar dig?

I promised you. I promised myself. I promised God. This is the last time.

You, don’t try to google what that means. I know you know what exactly it means. Right know I feel immensely disgusted by google translate. Life used to be much more interesting when we can talked with each other in a language no one else but us understand. So please, this once, help me out, don’t google that out, I beg you. I beg every single one of you.

One last time, I want to walk down the memory lane. Remember June 2011? Yes, that one time inChâtelet–Les Halles. We were both in a bad mood from the stunt I pulled earlier, when we finally sat on one of the benches waiting for the train, you shook my shoulder so hard that I became so damn dizzy. You screamed at me for being so stupid, reckless, careless, and practically everything that crossed your mind at that moment. Thank God the frenchies around us didn’t understand a thing until you said that, “förstår du inte att jag älskar dig?” and, voila, everybody stared at us. I was sure that I was forever mortified that night but now, the truth of your words ring a bell in my…as cliché as it sounds….heart.

“My head’s to blame for all my heart’s mistake.” -Parachute

“Châtelet – Les Halles, Paris. 

I could’ve just walk to Notre-Dame yet I didn’t. Four trains passed me and I still don’t feel like moving from the bench I occupied. I know they are staring at me but for this time and this moment only, I could careless. Here in this foreign land, I have no reputation to uphold. I can be naked and nobody cares. I love this place. Nobody is nosy and I admire their individualism.

I don’t want to go back to Jakarta but I had to, I need to go back to them. I always need to. No for them but because of them. How I wish I wasn’t a first born.

Stop thinking!

Ardam is beside me, we’re finally together and I don’t want to ruin our meeting with unimportant thoughts. Though I’m not his girlfriend, I know I love him and he does too. He would do anything to make me happy if only I let him. Blame my stubbornness and dignity. The fails in our relationship, we knew it was all me but he never point it out. He acts like nothing is wrong in his life and he seems perfectly content by just having me next to him. He got that joie de vivre screaming out in him. If I had a say on our miserable relationship, I’d say he’s a fool. He’s a fool for waiting on me to turn my head and look at him, only him. He’s a fool for leaving and looking back at me, pleading with his eyes for me to go with him. The game we play is getting old but for a reason, we never get bored. We enjoy each other company, we can have an actual intelligent conversation talking about stock market or jobs I’ve been doing. I have never talk about job with anyone but him. As I said before, I love him so much to the point where the only u-turn is a thousand miles ahead by crawling. It’s touchable but unreachable. I know he has a girlfriend and I also know that she’s just a right-now girl and that I have to worry about nothing. For the third time I write this, I love him too much that he soon turned into a brother I’ve never had. That’s why we could never be together. I love him like a brother. I never told him because I’m afraid. I’m afraid he would give up on me and I won’t have someone to hold on to.

I don’t want to let him go. He’s precious. It’s selfish I know but after all I’ve been through, I think I have every right to be selfish. With everyone it was always “Aulia, do this”, “Aulia, do that”, “Aulia, be that”, but when he came I always have choices. I admit he’s handsome, perhaps he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever encountered in my life (or maybe that’s just my heart talking) but it wasn’t his looks that made me fall for him, it was his words, his arrogance, his personality. He has this air of confidence around him that every men and women in the world would kill to have. I believe, my arrogance and confidence was his doing. One time in my desperate figure, he called just to say one sentence and hang up before I even registered what he said. It was also the time I fell for him, he said “You don’t have to do that, relax, I’ll take care of you”. See? How confident. To most people it might be a simple and common words but to me it was like the magic words to unlock my hear and never come back out again.

Ah, the seventh train. I’m gonna ride on this one back to Croix de Berny and took the TVM to Montjean, Octave’s house with Adam.

Right now, I feel so glad I’m in France. I’m glad I have Adam in my life. I’m glad we took our chance to be together even though I blew it moments later. I know it seems like a dream but please God don’t take this away from me. The way he loves me all the same, I’m amazed at who he is. The way he shows me with a kiss how much he cares, that moment in my life it’s like I’ve never loved before.

He is love, he is life, to me he is peace of mind.”

That’s exactly what I wrote there in Les Halles. I’ve been mustering every ounce of courage I have and now here I am, ready at last. I could never told you directly and since I know you always check my tumblr, I thought “hey I could post it and he would read”, though I know the consequence. This is cliche and they would be the shittiest stereotypes in this planet. Other people can read and judge but it doesn’t matter. This is all about you and me, whatever they said won’t change anything between us, they are just outsider. Strangers wanting desperately to be included in our life.

So, my biggest fear after you read this would be you giving up on me but of course, right now whatever you’re going to do, I’ll accept. You put up with me for nearly 6 years, you deserve all of me. I’m yours to throw, I’m yours to keep.

Regards, A.